How to talk to the men in your life about their mental health

Speaking to men about your own mental health is hard, and getting the men you love to feel comfortable to open up even more so. Alex Holmes guides you through facilitating more honest chats about what's going on inside

How to talk to the men in your life about their mental health Speaking to men about your own mental health is hard, and getting the men you love to feel comfortable to open up even more so. Alex Holmes guides you through facilitating more honest chats about what's going on inside Alex Holmes When I started my podcast Time To Talk with Alex Holmes, I found it hard to talk about my own mental health and wellbeing. There were no resources that I could find to help me, and outside of a close conversation with one of my best friends, it was difficult for me to open up and share what was going on inside.   Ultimately, it was an accumulation of fear, shame and disconnection with myself. I wasn't in touch with what I was feeling and thinking. I wasn't living – I was just existing, and it was hurting my ability to truly see a happy life for myself. Now, as a mental health guide and trainee therapist, I have built up a few tools to support men (and others) with their mental health. When it comes to men, there are particular factors that come into play, so here are a few ways you can open up a conversation to speak to your loved ones about their mental health.   Remember, it's not about you – it's about them   This is key. Going into the conversation, we have a tendency to position ourselves as the injured or suffering party immediately. While a man with poor mental health might not be making life pleasant for anyone around them, it is important to toe the line between issuing blame and guilt, and taking a caring approach. Feelings of inadequacy, rejection, low self-esteem and possibly self-hate can emanate strongly in men, so it is a question of trying to simply go in with: what has been going on with you today?   Don't force them to open up to you   It's not fair, on anyone, to be forced to do something they aren't wholly comfortable with, so trust has to be built. For example, some men might not feel that they can trust people with their feelings because history has taught them that they can easily be betrayed by the people they love. Or, it could be that they don't want to burden you with the weight of what they are carrying. They might really want to talk about what is going on, but they don't trust the feeling of vulnerability – give them the space to be open to the conversation, but don't rush. Tip: go for walks together, do a shared activity or try something new together that will help you strengthen bonds, and create a space that is safe and trustworthy.   Understand the impacts of toxic masculinity   I hate the term toxic masculinity, but it is helpful in this case. Social pressures of what it means to be a man can cause men to feel as if they are not advancing in life, not man enough or not successful enough. In other cases, body image plays a huge amount. Health magazines always show body types that aren't for every man, and the type of people we see in Hollywood, in music or in sport don't represent us. This can present some insecurities, generate recklessness and also include mood swings. Show them it's okay to not be a robot or perfect.   Create a safe space to discuss mental health concerns   When you are engaging in these conversations, make sure it is not around people who may trigger them. Feelings of shame and embarrassment can come from being in the presence of people a lot of men feel responsible for and towards. So, whether that is children, a spouse or a partner, or parents and in-laws, be mindful of the environment that is being created and try to make it a neutral, compassionate and wholehearted space. Shame has a huge impact on men's health, and mental health in particular. Don't tell him to 'man up', 'be a man' or 'be a real father' – that will do more harm than good.   Encourage him to speak to somebody   This is where you need him to see someone like myself, a mental health guide, or a counsellor or psychotherapist if he needs support with things such as grief, low self-esteem or other deep-rooted issues. However, joining men's groups can be extremely beneficial. I host a monthly men's group to get men to check in with how we are doing on the first Thursday of every month with Manual. Here, we speak about everything from mental wellbeing, health, work and relationships, especially throughout this pandemic. Men's groups are important communities as they help men share, and have conversations that might not always be a safe topic in front of those they love. It helps reduce shame, and builds camaraderie.   We have to change the way that men interact with mental health conversations, and how they improve their emotional health will have a huge impact on this. Create a safe space, encourage vulnerability as a strength, don't use shameful or manipulative techniques to get them to open up and consider them seeking help to support them on the path to greater healing and recovery.   Time To Talk by Alex Holmes is published 1 April by Welbeck.   Now read   Roman Kemp: 'The old idea that suicide is a middle-aged man's problem is gone'   A conference call therapist service is making 2020 more tolerable   Black men's mental health is the next pandemic   Unsubscribe |View Online Queries about this email? Contact datacontroller@condenast.co.uk Condé Nast Publications 1 Hanover Square, London W1S 1JU © The Condé Nast Publications Ltd Our Privacy Policy