BTS vs. my sex drive
Happy Aries season. Three weeks ago, my niece turned 12, and seemingly overnight, puberty drove through her like a stake through the heart of a vampire who thinks I'm a loser. It was inevitable, but it still took me by surprise that I went from Cool Aunt to My Father's Younger Sister Who Thinks She's Pulling Off "Impish Teen" Because She Still Can't Drive.
But as is routine for little girls growing up, her interests seem at odds with mine. What does she even like? Star Wars, Marvel movies, shows about whether things are cake? It's harder and harder to relate to her. So when my sister-in-law invited me to see BTS with them in Las Vegas last week, for one of the very few US dates in their Permission to Dance tour, I eagerly accepted. I didn't really know any BTS songs except "Dynamite" and "Butter," two of their English-language bops. I thought the songs were fine, but otherwise didn't really get the appeal. Why, for example, are there seven members of BTS? Do we really need all of them? But not everything has to be for me; BTS was just another example of the world leaving me behind.
I assumed I would go for the plot more than anything. I wanted to watch my niece in her natural environment, gleeful and teenage, at a point in her life riiiight before irony and sarcasm and indifference take her over (she's related to me, so once irony gets her, it has her for good).
Well, guess fucking what, guys: I love BTS. I love them…so much.
I don't know what happened. There was my life before the show started, and then my life as soon as BTS took the stage at Allegiant Stadium. The concert, which lasted for nearly three hours, wasn't so much a show as it was a full-bodied experiaaaahnce. BTS danced through nearly every lyric while confetti cannons popped off and drowned us in soothing pastels. Seamlessly, they fused pop and punk and hip-hop, and wow, so much homosocial energy, into something holistic and kaleidoscopic. Somehow, after just hearing the first verse and chorus of every song, I knew every song by heart. I don't speak Korean, but…do I? Is this like those phenomena where people get hit in the head by a two-by-four and then suddenly can speak Japanese and do complex math? Was a live BTS concert my two-by-four?
It was everything a show needed to be. They sang live, danced with their entire butts (I can say that, these are adult men), and when they winked, I tittered nervously as if it was just for me. The performance was shamelessly horny, not just for the female gaze, but for any gaze at all. And god almighty, was I gazing.
Against all odds, I answered some of my own questions about BTS. Do we need all seven? YES. OBVIOUSLY. Each of them fills a need; each of them is an archetype necessary in any teen-oriented group. There's RM the ringleader, Jimin the dreamy little baby, Suga the snarky cool guy, Jungkook the fox, J-Hope the cutie-pie, Jin the introvert, and V, the…other introvert. Look, I'm new here, I'm still figuring it out.
The me before was joyless, sour, bitter, unable to enjoy anything that wasn't tinged with misery. But the new me, the BTS me — well, she's horny as shit, the way you only are at 13 or 14, when your genitals are bursting with unused energy and you don't even know why. Before the show even started, drunk on the energy of teenage girls, I bought a BTS bucket hat and taped a big purple heart on it. As I write this, a small fortune's worth of Walgreens purchases litter my bed: a BTS lip tint, cheek tint, lip balm, and bucket hat. I can't go to Hot Topic because I know that's where my niece got her "Boy With Luv" necklace, and I suspect that if I buy the same one, she will send me to a home when I am inevitably left in her care. I became…ARMY. I am ARMY.
If any of these men I do not know asked me for a kidney, I'd give them four. They are underappreciated heroes of our time, and I want to put my mouth on all of their mouths, at the same time. The songs are good, they have incredible breath control, they are the Beatles. I want to gently part, muss, and then repart their hairs. I feel safe in this admission now that I've done some googling — BTS range in age from 24 to 29, so it is perfectly ethical (AND LEGAL) for me to want to crush one of them with my thighs.
I'm especially here for Jungkook, his little red mouth, his sharp jawline that I hope slices me all up, and his stupid, stupid lip ring. I can't believe I lived through 2002 just to find myself on the other side, 20 years later, still concupiscent for someone in a lip ring. Everything is so embarrassing.
Winner in spirit: my renewed libido
Winner in actuality: BTS's net worth. How many bucket hats can I buy??? —Scaachi Koul
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