listen to jeff goldblum mock you

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Jeff Goldblum's Bullying Easter Egg In The 'Lost World' Video Game

A few months after The Lost World: Jurassic Park hit theaters, a tie-in game came out for the Sony PlayStation. The game let you play as five Jurassic characters, each with their own unique campaign. Wow, that sounds exciting. We guess you play as Jeff Goldblum, and Julianne Moore, and Vince Vaughn, and, uh ... we guess that hunter Trembo, and Goldblum's daughter?

Nope. You do finish the game as Julianne Moore's character Sarah, and also play as an unnamed "hunter," but for the other three stages, you play as dinosaurs. This is perhaps less weird than it sounds. The game is a simple side-scroller—no matter who you are, your goal is really to just keep moving, and playing a dinosaur is much like playing a human, but without weapons or rope swinging. The music's more notable than the gameplay, since it's composed by Michael Giacchino, who'd go on to some fame. 

When you're not moving to the right/left and killing dinosaurs / eating humans, you're searching for collectibles called DNA bonuses. You pick these up whether you're a dino or a human; don't expect a plot justification from this wordless 2-D dinosaur game. If you find every single one of these collectibles, you unlock a special ending: a video message from Jeff Goldblum, who otherwise makes no appearance in the game. 

"Hello," he says. "If you can hear me, congratulations. Way to go. You made it through! You made it through—you spent all that time and now you're done, you did it. That's quite an achievement, my gosh. You looked a 20-foot carnivore right in the eye. and you lived to tell about it? Well you are something. Thank you. Thank you for sticking with it, for not giving up. That is really something. 

"Now you know what you should do? Turn the thing off for heaven's sakes and go outside. You know, breathe the air, take a walk. Call a member of the opposite sex, you know what I'm talking about. You know, you have a whole life, a whole life out there. Get the stink blown off you. Just go. Go, really. Turn it off." Then he hears some rumblings on this beach where he's filming and prepares for a dino attack.

We find the message funny, just as we find that the best movie post-credit scenes are the ones that make fun of the concept of post-credit scenes. But we also can't help but picture the dedicated eight-year-old who put hours into finding every secret in the game and who is now confused at why this made the game call them a smelly virgin. Of course, you might say that makes the message even funnier. 

For more stars popping up in games, check out:

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