WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an emergency address from the Oval Office on Monday afternoon, Donald J. Trump commanded the American people not to check their 401k accounts.
“Anyone caught checking their 409s (sic) can and will be deported,” he warned.
Asserting that he was issuing this order “for your own good,” Trump added, "Elon says there's a virus in the stock market and if you check your stocks it will spread to your body."
Though he claimed that “nothing bad is happening on Wall Street,” he promised the American people that, in the event of a stock market crash, “I will fix it with my Sharpie.”
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Imagine having a laugh so infectious, even animals join in on the fun. Taken at what looks to be a kind of farming expo, this interviewee's laugh is so contagious, it managed to get the chickens going. Per Australia's Nine.com.au , the segment is from RTV Noord's Expeditie Grunnen. Mid-interview, the pair begin to laugh and everything just escalates from there. SEE ALSO: Despite health risks, adventurous food lovers are trying raw chicken in Japan In all honesty, this may be the purest video on the internet. WATCH: A farmer's reunion with his animals after Hurricane Harvey will leave you needing tissues Read more... More about Laugh , Culture , Animals , and Web Culture from Mashable http://mashable.com/2017/10/02/chicken-farmer-laughter/?utm_campaign=Mash-Prod-RSS-Feedburner-All-Partial&utm_cid=Mash-Prod-RSS-Feedburner-All-Partial via IFTTT
Periods are normal, but kids pointing them out in their sketches is something else. Australian woman Penny Rohleder shared a photo of her son's drawing on the Facebook page of blogger Constance Hall on Jul. 25, which well, says it all. SEE ALSO: James Corden tests out gymnastics class for his son and is instantly showed up by children "I don't know whether to be proud or embarrassed that my 5 year old son knows this," Rohleder wrote. "Julian drew a family portrait. I said 'What's that red bit on me?' And he replied, real casual, 'That's your period.'" Well, at least he knows. To give further context, Rohleder revealed she had pulmonary embolism in October 2016, and was put on blood thinning treatment which makes her periods "very, very bad," she explained to the Daily Mail . Read more... More about Australia , Parenting , Culture , Motherhood , and Periods from Mashable http://mashable.com/2017/07/31/period-mo...
British rider Chris Froome launched one of his blistering mountain attacks to win the Criterium du Dauphine race for the second time, clinching the eighth stage to take the yellow jersey. from Articles | Mail Online http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/othersports/article-3123660/Chris-Froome-sends-strong-message-rivals-storms-win-Criterium-du-Dauphine-second-time.html?ITO=1490&ns_mchannel=rss&ns_campaign=1490
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