It's Halloween every morning in my bathroom mirror – but apparently, there are ways to be rid of the dark rings |
If you come for my evening routine, you better not miss. 7pm: cook dinner. 8.30pm: get cooked by 11-year-olds on Fortnite. 9pm: shower, coat my entire face in Loya Silky Soft Plumping Cream, and finish with Cellmen Face Ultra. 9.30pm: bed and watch people fall down stairs on TikTok. 10pm: dead to the world. The next day, wake up at 8am, and do it all again.
I feel alive. I never get ill. I can nap on demand. I'm so modest, too! Why is it, then, that when I wake after even the most nourishing, flatlining kind of rest, I look like I've been… dug up? The swollen face gradually contracts, and the crab eyes slowly open. But the rings around them won't budge. Whether I've had 10 hours and a chicken salad or four hours and a tank of pints, I've noticed darkening perma-bruises each and every morning. Then it hit me. Black eyes. Bald head. I'm a new-gen Uncle Fester.
That's great for Halloween, bad for every other day of the year. And apparently, looking this whack is a normal part of getting old. "You lose bony volume from the face over time," says Dr David Jack. "It happens to everybody. Essentially, the eye socket increases in size as you age." This is probably the grossest thing I've ever heard. But this man knows his shit: he has three London clinics (the sort with really nice lighting), and he's the go-to guy of all the beauty journalists who look astonishingly young for their age. Jack also points to several other things, including the natural sagging of soft tissue, the effects of UV damage and the gradual division of fat pads. A lot can happen when you grow up.
They say it's the hope that kills ya, but still I have it – largely because Jack lists a few effective remedies. "You can do dermal fillers to basically replace some of the volume on the bony layer where you've lost it," he says. "You can boost collagen production with PRP – the vampire facial – and you can do polynucleotides, which are salmon sperm injections."
Right, OK! Before you despair at the idea of ingesting John West emissions, know that it's a very deep-end, clinically approved thing. Polynucleotides work by injecting DNA fragments into the skin, which encourages cells to produce more collagen. And they do work. A collection of studies from last year registered "anti-inflammatory responses" from the treatment, which can improve skin texture, reduce wrinkles and enhance skin firmness. Eyes that have seen too much could stand to benefit.
Dr Jennifer Doyle, oculoplastic surgeon at The Clinic in Holland Park, once made my forehead look much, much smoother, so I trust her word. She too is endorsing the salmon DNA. "Polynucleotides are my first port of call for under-eye rejuvenation," she says. "They're low-risk, have minimal downtime and work as biostimulants." Plus, there's something satisfyingly low-key about all the "before and after" Instagram reels. On most aesthetic accounts, a very normal-looking man will have his entire head scraped out to create an 11/10 Chad. Search for polynucleotides from a practitioner that's legit, and the results are subtle: eyes a little brighter, rings a little lighter; a man looking like himself, just a bit fresher. Despite the normalisation of extreme cosmetic surgery in recent years, there's still something terrifying about the thought of a stranger with a certificate rearranging my face as if it's Play-Doh. A little bit of salmon sperm is a slice of pie compared to a brand new jaw.
It's still salmon sperm in your face, though. I get it. For an Uncle Fester that prefers a more cursory approach, you can get a few creams. Will they turn you into a bouncing little baby overnight? Probably not. Should you have started using them 10 years ago? Absolutely. Better late than never though, so look out for products with retinol. For the uninitiated, that's a hardcore de-ager that's been proven to speed up the skin turnover process. It's like putting your under-eye bags on creatine: they'll work harder to look fresher. Caffeine products can narrow blood vessels and reduce the appearance of dark circles, but the science isn't as clear cut. Or you can just lie through your teeth; a bit of concealer is fine, and normalised, and women have been doing it for centuries.
An embarrassment of riches for the haggard brothers among us, then! But even though rest, hydration and good skincare can reduce the appearance (and formation) of dark rings, many guys are just genetically predisposed to them. Someone's got to pull the hereditary short straw. And if I can't sleep my way out of it, then maybe the only way is through – with a needle, some mild discomfort and an under-eye pumped full of salmon sperm.
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"Martine Rose has built a career on twisting up menswear. So when her Nike Shox MR4 Metallic Platinum popped up, we just knew it was going to be on the freakier side of things. And guess what? We were right." — Adam Cheung, style writer | |
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| "I think Vogue World was the best Hollywood red carpet with no film premiere attached in years. Actors just turning up because they love clothes and vibes – shoutouts to Damson Idris and Angela Bassett." |
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Office-sourced hits from GQ HQ |
"The good guys at Our Legacy are encouraging you to be a bad guy in this cloak carcoat. It's long, mysterious, boxy – basically all the things that'll give your wardrobe the villain edit." (£790)
Murray Clark, senior style editor |
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